I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
