Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We need to get me chipped asap
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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