I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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