Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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