3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
