I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
