i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
