from now on my penis is your penis
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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