the condom got lost in my hair
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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