I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
