brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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