Swine flu. Run for my life!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
