It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
