She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
