I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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