She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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