Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
