This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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