BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
