god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
