Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
