Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
