After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
