Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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