Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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