i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
vagina is talking i cant
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
