I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
