Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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