Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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