I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
