Where is the hickey?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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