if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
