So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
