we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
