and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
