I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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