my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
