Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
