i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
