the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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