Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
