So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
