my mouth tastes like poor choices
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
