Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
