Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
