Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
