Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
