I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
