I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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