its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
